The Hog’s 10 favourite BlackAdder Quotes

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1.  E: Right, let’s get the book. Now; Baldrick, where’s the manuscript?

B: You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?

E: Yes, Baldrick — the manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson.

B: You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?

E: Yes, Baldrick — Dr. Johnson.

B: So you’re asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging
   to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is.

E: Yes, Baldrick, I am, and if you don’t answer, then the booted bony thing
   with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the
   soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers. For the last time,
   Baldrick: Where is Dr. Johnson’s manuscript?

B: On the fire.

E: (shocked) On the *what*?

B: The hot orangy thing under the stony mantlepiece.

2. Edmund:  [looks at what Baldrick is carrying; is not surprised; speaks calmly]
         Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about
         to give phenomenally good.

Baldrick:  You said, “Get the door.”

Edmund:  Not good enough.  You’re fired.

Baldrick:  But, My Lord, I’ve been in your family since 1532!

Edmund:  So has syphilis.  Now get out.

3. Rum:            aah-ahhh! [strokes his hand] You have a woman’s hand, milord!
                I’ll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor
                in a storm.

Blackadder:     Well, you’re right there.

Rum:            Ha ha ha. -Aah! Your skin milord. I’ll wager it ne’er
                felt the lash of a cat ['o' nine tails], been rubbed
                with salt, and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make
                fine stockings for his best cabin boy.

Blackadder:     How canny, I don’t know how you do it, but you’re right
                again.

Rum:            Why should I let a stupid cockerel like you aboard me boat?

Blackadder:     Perhaps for the money in my purse [holding it up]

Rum:            Ha. -Aah! You have a woman’s purse! [takes it from him and
                examines it daintily] I’ll wager that purse has never been
                used as a rowing-boat. I’ll wager it’s never had sixteen
                shipwrecked mariners tossing in it.

Blackadder:     Yes, right again, Rum. I must say when it comes to tales of
                courage I’m going to have to keep my mouth shut.

Rum:            Oh! You have a woman’s mouth, milord! I’ll wager that
                mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship
                to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish.

Blackadder:     I must say, when I came to see you, I had no idea I was going
                to have to eat your ship as well as hire it. And since you’re
                clearly as mad as a mongoose I’ll bid you farewell [gets up]

Rum:            Aaah, courtiers to the Queen, you’re nothing but lapdogs to a
                slip of a girl.

Blackadder:     Better a “lapdog to a slip of a girl”, than a… Git.

Rum:            So you do have some spunk in you! Don’t worry, laddie,
                I’ll come, I’ll come [holds out his hand]

Blackadder:     Well, let us set sail as soon as we can. [they shake]
                I will fetch my first mate, and then I’ll return
                as fast as my legs will carry me.

Rum:            Ah! [pointing] You have a woman’s legs, my lord! I’ll
                wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off
                by a falling sail, and swept into the sea before your
                very eyes.

Blackadder:     [crossly] Well, neither have yours.

Rum:            That’s where you’re wrong [throws aside table showing
                his lack of legs]

4.  PR: All right, so what’s the plan? Shin up the drain and ask her if
    she’ll take delivery of your consignment of German sausage?

E:  No sir, as we rehearsed, poetry first, sausage later.

5.  Baldrick         Oh, Sir.  It’d be great, swooping and diving.

[Baldrick starts his impression of a Sopwith Camel.]

BA               Baldrick . . .

[Baldrick drones on . . .]

BA               Baldrick . . .

[Baldrick stops droning on as BA interjects a third time.]

BA               Baldrick, what are you doing?

Baldrick         I’m a Sopwith Camel, Sir.

BA               Oh, it is a Sopwith Camel.  Ah, right, I always get confused
                 between the sound of a Sopwith Camel and the sound of a
                 malodourous runt wasting everybodys time.  Now if you
                 can do without me in the nursery for a while, I’m going
                 to get some fresh air.

6.  von Richthoven   I must now tell you of the full horror of what awaits you.

BA               Ah, you see, Balders.  Dress it up in any amount of pompous
                 verbal diarrhoea, and the message is `Squareheads down for
                 the big Boche gang-bang’.

von Richthoven   As an officer and a gentleman, you will be looking forward
                 to a quick and noble death.

BA               Well, obviously.

von Richthoven   But, instead, an even worse fate awaits you.  Tomorrow, you
                 will be taken back to Germany . . .

BA               Here it comes!

von Richthoven   . . . to a convent school, outside Heidelberg, where you will
                 spend the rest of the war teaching the young girls home
                 economics.

BA               Er . . .

von Richthoven   For you, as a man of honour, the humiliation will be
                 unbearable.

BA               Oh, I think you’ll find we’re tougher than you imagine.

von Richthoven   Ha!  I can tell how much you are suffering by your long
                 faeces.

7. Edmund: Excellent. Now the important thing is, that Melchett should, under no
        circumstances, realise that you are a man.

George: Yes, yes, I understand that.

Edmund: In order to insure this, there are three basic rules. One, you must
        never, I repeat, never remove your wig.

George: Right.

Edmund: Second, never say anything. Tell him at the beginning of the evening
        that you’re saving your voice for the opening night in London.

George: Excellent, sir. And what’s the third?

Edmund: The third is most important, don’t get drunk and let him shag you on
        the veranda.

8.  E:  Well saddle my horse then.

B:  What d’you think you’ve been eating for the last two months?

E:  Well go out into the street and hire me a horse.

B:  Hire you a horse? For ninepence? On Jewish New Year in the rain? A
    bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of old London Town? With
    the blacksmith’s strike in its fifteenth week and the Dorset horse
    fetishists fair tomorrow?

9.  King:  A horse!  [whistles a call]  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
       [He stops as he sees a horse -- Edmund's -- tied to a tree.]
       Ah, Horsie!  [He approaches the horse.  Edmund, doing business behind
       a nearby bush, sees.]

Edmund:  [mumbling to himself]  Who is this?

        [as King bends over to untie the horse from the tree, Edmund walks up
         behind...]

Edmund:  [drawing his sword]  Wait! That’s my horse!  [swings his sword;
         lops King's head clean off.  He's rather surprised at his strength
         but quickly gets a cocky feeling, and laughs a bit.]  There, that’ll
         teach you!  [He picks up the helmeted head]  You won’t be doing
         >that< again, now will you?  [He lifts the helmet's face shield,
         then lowers the shield]

         Oh my god.  It’s Uncle Richard.

        [Edmund screams.  Baldrick runs up, having just parked his mule by
         the tree.]

Baldrick:  What’s that, My Lord?

Edmund:  Hmm?  [Frightenedly tosses the head to Baldrick.]

Baldrick:  [catches the head with a chuckle, then lifts the face shield]
           Oh dear — Richard III.  [half shouts]  What are you going to do?

Edmund:  Well, quick, quick… [he turns the body over, takes the head back
         and tries to replace it, asking Baldrick to hold it in steady.  He
         moves the corpse's arms about, and beats on its chest.  Baldrick
         for a moment puts his face down, trying to resuscitate the body
         through the face shield.]

10.  E:   There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He’s perfect
     and last night I almost kissed him.
D:   I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?
E:   Not boys. A boy.
D:   Yes, well let’s not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and
     naturally you’re worried.
E:   Of course I’m worried.
D:   Well, of course you are. It isn’t every day a man wakes up to
     discover he’s a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods
     clean earth than a weazle. Ashamed of your self?
E:   Not really, no.
D:   Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just
     leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?
E:   Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?
D:   No, it’s all part of the service. I think you’re in luck though. An
     extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind
     of sordid problem.
E:   It wouldn’t have anything to do with leeches, would it?
D:   I had no idea you were a medical man.
E:   Never had anything you doctors didn’t try to cure with leeches. A
     leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.
D:   They’re marvellous, aren’t they?
E:   Well, the bottom one wasn’t. I just sat there and squashed it.
D:   You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?
E:   Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn’t it?
D:   That’s right, the great Hoffmann.
E:   Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.
D:   Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I’m a busy man. As far
     as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I
     can strongly recommend a course of leeches. [in chorus]
E:   Yes. I ‘ll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.
D:   No, no, no, no. Don’t be ridiculous. This isn’t the dark ages. Just
     pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly.
     In a couple of weeks you ‘ll be beating your servant with a stick,
     just like the rest of us.
E:   You’re a sale[?] quack, aren’t you?
D:   I’d rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.

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Posted by 80sHog on Jan 25 2011 Filed under Headline, Top 10 Lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry